Five Stages of Moving to a New Area

Your experience may differ somewhat, as we all cope with things in different ways, and each stage has been a bit different for me too depending on the location, the age of my children, etc.  But I have learned through the years that for me every major move inevitably follows this pattern, so I thought I'd share, in case someday someone reads this who might find help and encouragement knowing that what they are feeling is "normal," and especially that the hard stage(s) will pass, in time. Please note that when I specify "new area" I'm talking about moving at least several HOURS away from your former home.  I really didn't experience most of these the couple of times I moved across town within the same area. 


1. Anticipation and Planning
This stage begins when you know the move is coming, and ends whenever stage 2 begins--sometimes very soon after getting your Orders (or transfer papers, etc.), but sometimes lasting months if you are fortunate enough to get a lot of advance notice.  The anticipation may be something closer to dread, if you fear you may be moving somewhere you won't like, or you really love the place you live now.  You may want to make sure your pets' vaccinations are up to date, or check your children's educational records, but most of what happens in this stage is research, and starting to plot out (sometimes on paper) how you will get everything done.  Sometimes parts of this stage will repeat, if you research one place then get sent somewhere else!  Good or bad, you will be filled with a sense of anticipation as you try to get a bit of an idea of what it will be like to live in this completely new
place!

Personal example:  When we left Germany, we were hoping for an assignment in England.  We made sure our cats had the necessary vet work, and I researched the area and other requirements... then we were told no, it would be Arizona or Florida, so we started the research all over again!  Once the "hard copy" orders came at last, we started gathering information on weight allowances and making lists of what we would take to Florida, and what we would have to leave behind.


2.  Work, Stress, Work, Farewells, and Work!
This stage begins with boxes, as the time to plan has passed and the time for packing begins!  Besides packing, you are working with all the various necessary places to find out what you need to do to transfer or carry necessary records with you, working on selling or clearing your current housing, arranging for movers or a rental truck, finding out where you will live when you first arrive at your new home, etc. etc. and etc.!  In between all of the work, and living in a house filled with growing piles of boxes, you still have your daily things that need to be done, and farewells to be made to all of your friends and associations in what will soon become your former home!  There really is very little time to feel much of anything in this stage but a general sense of overwhelming stress, as the final date looms ever closer!!  Try to find time, if you can, to make one last visit to your favorite places (parks, restaurants, stores, etc.).  You will be glad you did later.

Personal note:  If your move will be international, expect the stress to be at least 100x higher than a domestic move!!  And if you are military and your spouse is deployed to a hazardous area while you are doing most of the move alone, make that about 1,000x higher stress. 



3. More Stress, Work, and Discoveries
This stage begins with the arrival at your new home.  If they didn't come with you, soon the boxes will arrive, oh boy!  Now you have to find places for all the stuff you packed in stage 2!  Of course half the pictures from the old house won't fit the walls of the new house (wrong color, wrong size, wrong something).  If you kept curtains, maybe you will find some that fit, but inevitably some will be packed into storage for "maybe the next house."  Every.single.move. it seems like something gets unpacked that leaves you scratching your head wondering why on earth you brought that, and something else gets left behind that you wish you'd kept!  As you are unpacking, you are also completing the long checklist of changing your address with everyone, getting new driver's licenses, re-tagging the cars, trying to find where things are in the area, etc.  And of course as you hunt for things you are also taking some time to explore your new home area.  That part can actually be fun, as you discover a great new (to you) restaurant, a nice park, or a fun store in your new home town.  Maybe if you are lucky you will even meet a potential new friend in your first few weeks and months.  :)  The stress will likely overwhelm most other feelings at this stage also, as there is just SO much work to be done!!

Personal note: For me one of the hardest parts of step 3 is starting the hunt for a new church home.  Sometimes I feel like an abandoned dog seeking adoption by a new family!  There have been a couple of moves where we were lucky enough to find a new church home in only a month or two, but sometimes it seems to take much longer.



4. Nostalgia and Depression
This stage begins at different times during different moves, but basically it's what happens when all those emotions you have been keeping at bay with so much stress and work catch up to you.  For some it may even overlap stage 3 or even stage 2.  Suddenly you *hate* the place where you just moved, and the place where you came from seems like Utopia.  You may sound like Phoebe of "The Magic School Bus" in this stage ("at my old school...").  Yes, this even happens during moves you were thrilled about when they first started.  Now that you are gone, you will have those classic "misty water-colored memories" of the way things were, and they may come pouring down your face when you least expect it.  My advice is to let it happen.  That place you left is gone, and grieving is all a normal part of the process.  The more you fight it, the more you will delay stage 5, and stage 5 is where you really want to be.


Personal note: Rather than share a personal story of depression, I want to share here the photo credit for the amazing shot I found for this section, which says it in visual form so much better than I ever could with words.  Thank you, Georgie Pauwels (Flickr).  


5. Finding Equilibrium
This stage begins when you start to truly feel like you belong in the new place.  There isn't any timeline for it, unfortunately, but one day you will just wake up to realize you aren't depressed anymore.  You might think about where you came from and be glad you are HERE instead of there.  You will stop thinking of yourself as a "newbie."  You will have found some sort of social group, or a (local) personal friend.  At last you have balance, and you are home once again.  

 Personal note:  If your family is military, or in some other career that makes you get used to moving, you may reach a point in this stage where you start to feel "off balance" again, and ready for the next move.  For me that usually happens somewhere between 3 and 4 years at the same place.  It's almost a repeat of stage 4, but on a much smaller scale--I don't get depressed the second time, just restless and a little discontented.  For me it kind of came in waves (leaving stage 5, coming back to it, leaving again).  It will be interesting to see how many times I go through this as a newly civilian spouse, now that my husband has retired from the military and likely won't be moving again anytime soon!