Why I believe Mom care is best

Let me preface this by saying that this is NOT meant to be a criticism of moms who work outside the home. Being a working mom is HARD, and too often the working moms *still* are expected to fulfill all of the "traditional" duties of wife and mother.  But perhaps because so many working moms are managing to hold it together (barely) and making it work, the moms who make the choice to stay home for their children are getting slammed even more, their contributions being devalued entirely too much.  It's high time we acknowledge that some choices are just BEST for children, even when they don't work for us personally.  A good example is breastfeeding--yes, it really is best!!  I didn't do it; and while I can explain my choice, my reasons won't change the fact that IF at all possible it really truly is the best choice!  Thankfully, formula today is amazing, and works well as a good 2nd choice.  Day care can be an acceptable 2nd choice also, if that is what you need (or just want) to do, and there are well-run day care places where your children will be just fine.  But I wanted to write out this comparison list just to illustrate both the genuine value and worth of a "stay-home" or "full time" mom, and explain why I believe that Mom care still is and always will be best.

Just for comparison, I'll take it from the perspective of a working parent seeking out a Day Care/Preschool for small children.  And what does everyone want?

1. First thing people look for in Day Care is the best possible teacher:child ratio.  The fewer children per teacher the better.  Day Cares and Preschools with ratios of 4 to one or less are highly prized (and usually MUCH more expensive!).  Yet oddly, moms who stay home to care for their own children are often given even more criticism if they stay home with "only" one or two children.  Moms of three or four small children are more likely to be "forgiven" for the choice to raise their own children, simply due to the unaffordability of placing that many children with someone else all day.  Yet instead of our modern culture praising the woman who is willing to devote herself to her children, too often we hear demands for day care subsidies or criticisms of families for having "too many" children.  :(


2. Next thing people look for in a Preschool or Day Care is workers who devote themselves almost entirely to the children.  They don't want their care-givers to have their attention split by having to do laundry and clean, etc. (other than spot cleaning, of course)--they want to see completely devoted "teachers" spending every moment with the infant or small child!  And almost every day care and preschool will hire separate janitors, cooks, administrators, assistants, and substitutes! Think about that for a moment, and ask yourself why the most common question "stay home" moms get is "what do you do all day?"  Do you ask your children's day care/preschool teacher at the end of each day the same question?

3. Another thing parents look for is low turnover.  This is remarkably hard to find in the real world.  Most day cares and preschools pay very poorly, and thus have extremely high rates of staff turnover.  They also tend to treat even the youngest children like school-age children, moving them to a completely different classroom and "teacher" each and every year, and rarely if ever mingling one age group with another.  Obviously this is a non-issue with a mom caring for her own children (other than the fact that she never gets a sick day!).  The consistency of care can't be beat!!

4.  Another big question is cost.  This is where the value of mom care gets a little less clear, because obviously the biggest reason many women choose to continue working outside the home is income.  However, for many women of more than a single child, day care costs can come very close to their actual income, and often go over it if you include ALL of the expense of working.  This includes commuting costs in gas or public transportation, having separate "work clothes," buying lunches for work, possibly being pushed into a higher tax bracket or needing another vehicle, having to go to the doctor for every little thing because day cares can't even put on diaper rash cream without a doctor's note these days... and etc.  Some moms who are on the fence decide to stay home after doing the math and discovering that they are making $1 per hour or less after all the expenses add up!  Granted you might be able to find a cheaper day care to help that expense, but unless it is family care do you really want to cut corners on your child's care?  NO ONE will ever care for your child more than you will.

5. Lastly, when looking for day care or preschool, parents want highly trained care givers.  Well, Mom might not have that child CPR training, but that doesn't mean she can't get it!  Mom might not have a degree in child development, but really?  For thousands of years, moms managed to raise children without fancy pieces of paper from modern "experts."  No amount of education can replace the love and care of a devoted Mother.

So, does this make the choice easy?  Probably not.  Sometimes there is no real choice, especially if mom is the sole provider for the family.  Moms who choose to keep a job will reap the rewards of income and adult interaction, paid sick days and hopefully at least an occasional lunch break, benefits such as health insurance and/or retirement savings... but in most cases mom will still be expected to cook and clean and of course "love on" her children as much as she can when she is home.  A working mom will have to juggle schedules with her husband, fighting over who has to take time off when a child is sick, or a necessary service worker is coming to the house (cable, electric, etc.), or daytime errands need to be run.  Working moms will worry about their kids all day long, stress about whether the day care is doing the best job they can, and they often face criticism from family or friends who made the opposite choice.  If they choose to stay home, they will forever have "only" or "just" shoved ungraciously in front of their chosen profession (of being a Mother).  There will be no Christmas bonus, no awards or accolades, and of course no paycheck (unless she tries to work from home, which is a whole 'nother issue!!).  Unless the family is lucky enough to live close to Grandma, mom will likely almost never have a break. 

But the best rewards are your children themselves, because as a "stay home" mom you will have to miss nothing.  And just like the breastfeeding mom, even at your most exhausted and frustrated you can rest in the assurance that you are making what is truly the BEST choice for your children!  And if it stops working for you, you can always make the second-best choice, and that choice still very often works out just fine--near as I can tell, my kids have no significant "damage" from being fed formula.  :)  Most day-care kids turn out just fine also.  Some are even lucky enough to have Grandma (or other family member) care, which is a beautiful thing!

Believing mom care is the best choice doesn't mean we have to slam those who made "second choices."  Offer them sympathy and support, as any fellow mom.  Parenting is HARD.  I can say that I chose to formula feed and still enthusiastically applaud those who chose to breastfeed.  And I can proudly say that I did choose to stay home, even to the point of homeschooling for several years, without insulting working moms.  I do sometimes regret that I didn't breastfeed.  Sometimes.  But I don't regret staying home with my children, not even a little.  I hope whatever choices you make, you will continue to be satisfied with them.  The only choice that really matters is that you LOVE and care for your children the best you can!