5 Things in Small children NOT caused by parenting

5 Things in Small Children that are NOT caused by Bad Parenting 

(despite some opinions to the contrary)

1. Tantrums
Most people who believe these are caused by bad parenting are people who have had very limited interaction (if any) with very many kids under the age of 4.  Not every child has the classic tantrums, of course, but for those who do trying to stop one is roughly the equivalent of trying to stop a semi truck whose brakes just quit working on a steep hill.  Yeah, good luck with that.  There are a few things you can do to sort of minimize or shorten them that work sometimes.  Maybe.  But for some all you can do is let that truck roll on down the hill.  Thankfully, the kids do outgrow them, usually in a year or less.  I feel quite lucky that only one of my 3 children had the classic tantrums.  Not every parent is so lucky, so have some compassion! 

2. Food Pickiness
EVERY child goes through this.  Every.single.one.  Some are more picky than others; it's true.  And yes, most very strict parents can eventually make them eat things they hate by force feeding, severe discipline, or starving them until they become desperate enough to eat anything.  But that is NOT good parenting in my book, and {guess what} their kids were picky too (and still are in their hearts).  The majority of kids will grow out of the extreme pickiness with age and the most minimal measures to encourage them to TRY new things, no force-feeding necessary.  And for those who still won't eat broccoli, well maybe they can be President some day.  ;)  Everyone has food preferences and things they won't eat if they can avoid it--even adults!!  (For those who don't get the reference, George Bush Sr. hates broccoli to this day, and rumor has it refused to allow the White House to serve it when he was sitting President!)

3. Whining
Some kids just whine.  Yes, eventually you can teach them not to do it, although they will do it again if they are over-tired or feeling sick.  And I've also met kids with naturally whiny voices, which you can hardly blame on parenting!  Also, some kids don't even realize they are doing it, so it's incredibly difficult to re-train those types of children.  It takes time.  Sometimes lots and lots and lots of time.  Hopefully they will stop by the time they are 18, right? 

4. Being Loud
Lots of kids are naturally loud.  The quiet ones are the more unusual, in my experience.  And some kids just have naturally loud voices, even when they whisper.  They can be trained, of course, but it takes years of effort and practice for them to learn to restrain their voices.  My eldest son did it, and one of the youngers is still working on it (both have naturally loud and projecting voices!).  In the meantime, you may as well tell a thunderstorm to hush.  If you don't like loud children, I suggest you avoid places where children exist.

5. Not Responding to People
My own children are about as shy as a stampede, so speaking to people was never an issue for us.  Still, I recognize that some kids are just naturally shy.  I've met kids like this.  You can't force a child to speak if he doesn't want to--it usually doesn't work, and if you do force it the trauma may counteract whatever benefit you think you are getting from it.  Eventually they will hopefully be trained to work beyond their shyness to be polite and function better socially, but like the other things above, this times TIME, and lots of it.

Minor Disclaimer:  Note in the title that I do specify SMALL children.  The first one in particular really applies only to the classic "2-year-old" tantrums (which really can happen anytime from 18 months to almost 4).  If you have an 8-yo still throwing tantrums, then yes I'd agree that unless there is some mental illness involved there are probably parenting issues.  The 2nd and 3rd should mostly be outgrown or trained out of them by the time they are teens, though of course even adults can have specific food aversions that are sometimes described as "picky," and some people have whiny voices their entire lives (even if they aren't a character named Janice on the TV show Friends!).  The last two, honestly, can sometimes be lifetime struggles (for the naturally very loud or naturally very shy person)!

3 Things I miss and don't miss about Homeschooling

My boys tell me often how much they miss homeschooling, but these are just for me!


3 Things I do NOT miss:

1. Paperwork!
I stink at lesson planning.  Big time.  I'm so thankful for all the curriculum available today that comes with all the lessons plotted out with what to do when, but even with them the homeschool teacher still needs to fit it into your own family's schedule, and determine anything that might be best skipped for your individual children, or something that needs added in, etc.  Then there is the annual learning plan for each child, the keeping of records (with or without the dreaded portfolio), grading, re-grading, etc.  The pile of paper never seemed to go down!!

2. Heavy Responsibility
When you are your child's primary teacher and sole administrator (principal, counselor, nurse, and almost every school specialist all rolled into one!), that's a lot of responsibility weighing on your shoulders!  When your child goes to a school--any school--you are delegating the responsibility for educating your child almost entirely to them.  Mom takes the role of helper in the educational process from there on out, sometimes little more than a cheerleader (for a child who will do homework independently).  If the child isn't learning something, the school works to fix the problem, and all you need do is give permission (and sometimes not even that).  If your child fails a test question given by a random stranger, they want to know what school the child attends, and the stranger may even offer sympathy or advice to get the school to fix the problem.  When you homeschool, if your child is having a bad day or just hasn't covered some subject or other yet, the random stranger treats you like an idiot.  And that stranger abuse is nothing compared to the stress we place on ourselves every day as homeschool moms, wondering if we are doing the "right" math program for this child, or covering subjects in the "proper" order, or spending enough time on this or that, etc.

3. Less Adult Socialization
I believe there is a tiny bit of truth to the socialization myth about homeschooling, but it's the MOM who is missing out, not the child.  There are such wildly divergent approaches and purposes and styles of homeschooling that sometimes it can be difficult to really "click" with other homeschool moms in person.  Even when you do connect with one, you usually only see her during a certain co-op or park day or group, because we are SO busy running our kids around to all of their social activities (not to mention the occasional hour or two at home to actually do schoolwork, LOL)!!  Now that my kids are in school, and granted partly just because they are now older, I now have more time to hang out with my own friends (without them!).  I'm also working a job at the time I am eriting this, so there is adult interaction there also.  Yay, socialization!  :)


3 Things I DO miss, every day in every way:

1. More Time with my Kids
While I can appreciate the humor in commercials that joke about "back to school" time being the best time of the year, I don't like that they are in one place and I'm in another for SO many hours of every day now.  Yes, I'm a real mom and they are real kids and they do get on my nerves sometimes.  But I also adore them, and love to spend time with them.  I miss reading with them and discussing what they are learning all day long--we have so little time to do that now.

2. FREEDOM in our Schedules and Planning
We are slaves to the public school schedule now, and I hate it.  I do so miss being able to make appointments during the day instead of fighting for the very few after-school times with every other parent who uses that doctor or dentist, etc.  I miss being able to go to parks and museums and so forth on school days when the crowds are low, and just making up that time on a Saturday or a day that the schools have off.  I miss being able to wake up at a decent hour, and do school when we are good and ready, instead of having an alarm blast us all out of bed at an ungodly early time so we can stagger off to other buildings to work or learn.  I miss being able to plan vacation time when it's convenient for us.  I miss taking 3 weeks off for Christmas.  I miss having days off be genuine days off, instead of being filled with homework and appointments that we couldn't get done any other time.  I miss being able to drop everything to go see "once in a lifetime" kinds of things like Air Force One taking off, or simply talk a walk outside just to look at God's Creation and see what we can see!

3. The Learning itself
While I don't miss the lesson planning, grading, and other paperwork, I DO miss shopping for curriculum, and trying out new things, and learning right along with my kids!  I miss the discussions with other moms about this curriculum or that, and why this one worked where that one didn't.  I miss having the freedom to change gears even mid-year because something isn't working... or to spend more time on something they enjoy.  I really REALLY miss the field trips!  :)  We have had some genuinely fabulous field trips!  And as much as I don't really like reading all those papers and essays, I do like seeing their minds work, and hearing orally them explain something they have learned and are excited about.  I do still get a small amount of that after school hours, but I miss having it more.  This of course overlaps very much with both #1 and #2, but the time and freedom are huge, and even one of them more than makes up for all 3 of the things I don't miss.  Even though I don't miss those things above at all, I would embrace them all again in a heartbeat if we had the chance to homeschool again.  :)